The Disconnect

Well, this isn't a humorous post. It might not even hold your attention to the end. But sometimes, you just have to talk until you get everything out, you know?

I don't have many friends. It's weird. I pass through people's lives, or maybe I should say they pass through mine. I don't fight with them. Most of them I get along with quite well. For a season. And then, it's like extinguishing a candle. At some point, there's nothing left but a plume of smoke and an acrid smell. And darkness. And I'm alone again. Until the next one cycles through.

Lately, I've felt a real disconnect from some people in my life that I'd call friends. We've become occasional email buddies. I know what happens next. The emails revert to forwarded jokes or chain emails...first with little notes attached...and eventually not even that.

I know it's probably my fault. Maybe it's some kind of personality flaw. Maybe I just have a hard time relating to others. Maybe I withdraw. My husband doesn't like to socialize. He doesn't like for me to do anything without him. So I don't. So there's not much interaction with anyone unless it's at work or through email. That's my life. That's one of the reasons I enjoy my work so much. It's a bigger outlet than anyone could understand.

There are so many people that I remember fondly. That I miss terribly. That I regret losing contact with for whatever reason. Sometimes I think maybe God sends them to me or me to them to meet some need or whatever, and once the mission's accomplished, it's just time to move on. That's just the way it's meant to be. It's very lonely and isolating, though. Sometimes I question why I can't stick it out with a friend over the long haul just once, and I get mad at myself. I hope I've never hurt anyone with the disconnect. I certainly never meant to do so.

There are so many days that I feel like I'm drifting through life on a raft...watching it all slip past me. It's a really rotten feeling. It's those times when I wonder if there's anyone out there that will remember me or that I've had an impact on, the way others have impacted me. Or am I just that nameless face that came and went?